Playing war games with my mind.

I hate days like today, where my mind seems to wonder towards the negative thoughts. It never use to be this hard to make it from one day to another, but those easier days were before the dignosis of Lupus. I use to think, "Hey, I want to start a business or go back to school! " and do it without thinking. These days I question myself because I don't know how my body or mind will react to my grand ideas. Writing and starting this blog, for the hundredth time, seems to be a great idea that mixes my love for deep thinking, story telling, and writing. Seems easy enough if I can just control my thoughts and keep pushing myself gently from one word to the next, I feel like this will be a therapeutic journey to understand and love myself.

How did I end up here? In my bed for months at a time, thirty pounds heavier, body aches and pains, fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. Lupus! Well, I can't blame it all on Lupus, cause truth be told, I've struggled with mental illness since my early childhood. I remember crying in the mirror, getting tacks and poking at my veins, and even submerging my head under water while thinking about wanting to feel what drowning felt like. I hid my sadness and pain from everyone by being a star student, smiling, and an intense people pleaser. I rarely got in trouble at home and school cause I was good at being sneaky. I did all kinds of mischievous things like steal dollars from my mom's wallet to buy candy and sticking bubblegum on the back of my bed's headboard. My sneakiness would prove to be a distasteful character trait and be the cause of many bad decisions that I would make as a teenager.

Well, I'm praying to God for a brighter day tomorrow and that He will bless me with the mind to do the things I desire to do for my family and friends. I am not my past and the author of my future.

Thank you God for peace, love, and happiness!